Sometimes, sorry isn't enough
by yankees545
Summary: A slow day at the BAU finds Morgan and Emily learning more about Reid's past and present than they had thought existed.


Sometimes, Sorry Isn't Enough.

It was a very slow day at the BAU. The team had arrived home a few days previously and they were working on various paperwork jobs. Nobody liked doing paperwork. Not because it was tedious, but because it meant they had to relive cases that they had closed, they had to revisit the horror of the past. People might think that writing things out would give the team a sense of closure, or comfort, but instead it showed them what was still going on now. They all knew someone was being hurt, now. They couldn't save everyone and paper work put that in perspective.

Every team member dealt with this situation a different way. JJ didn't have the same responsibilities as the other team members but instead she sorted through case after case trying to determine where they should go next, where they were most needed.

Hotch wrote his reports clinically, made them ready for burocrats to read and judge as they wished. For that purpose, he didn't write in too much detail. He was very efficient.

Rossi looked at past cases and past victims and families they had helped. It gave him hope that they really did make a difference. His reports had necessary info but not much else, he didn't like burocratic hoops that he'd have to jump through.

Emily wrote her reports as she remembered the events. Every detail she could remember, she added. She felt that, if the account existed physically, she didn't need to be responsible for remembering it, she could bury the memories. Her compartmentalization was almost always effective... almost.

Reid knew that he wouldn't forget details of any case. Ever. He could hear a name or see a similar victim and memories would come back from past cases. He could never forget a victim, their families, or the UnSubs. His strategy was to work as fast as possible. This meant that he wouldn't have time to dwell of what ifs and maybes of past cases.

Morgan was the opposite. He couldn't mentally sit for hours and review cases. It would get overwhelming. He welcomed distractions whenever possible, but he still got his work done. The distractions were just short breaks, they cleared his head and allowed him to refocus.

The team had been working for about 5 and a half hours before Reid closed his final report with a sigh. He got up to get another cup of coffee, and to pick up whatever mail he might have. Morgan and Emily watched him go and then exchanged a look. They weren't close to being done. They both simultaneously groaned. They both continued writing. Less than a minute later Reid reentered the office space holding a couple envelopes and a cup of coffee. He sat in his chair and thumbed through the mail. He got to one letter and gave an exasperated sigh. 'Not another one...' he thought to himself. Morgan looked up at him.

"What is it Reid?" He asked, half out of curiosity, half out of a need for a distraction.

"It's nothing." Reid answered quickly, shaking his head. There wasn't much of a pause before he said, "Do you want help with your reports?" Morgan knew something was a little off with the offer. He shook his head and replied.

"Not unless you wanna tell me what's wrong with that letter." He watched Reid for his reaction. Reid gave the situation a quick run through. He didn't really want to talk about this right now, but he also knew that Morgan wouldn't stop asking about it. Then his eyes lit with an idea.

"Here. You read it." He handed Morgan the envelope and took a couple files off his desk. He realized that he was being a bit cryptic, but he'd make it make sense for his friend. Morgan took the envelope in his hands, regarding it skeptically. "I'll explain after you read it. I'm pretty sure I already know what it says." There was a slight edge to Reid's voice that sounded very foreign coming from Reid.

Morgan's curiostity was piqued. He looked at the return address to find that there wasn't one, just 'so sorry' where the name should have gone. Suddenly, he wasn't sure if he wanted to know.

"Just open it." Reid said, not looking up from his desk. Morgan turned the envelope over and opened it, unfolding the paper inside and began to read:

_Dear Spencer,_

_Normally, when two people haven't been in touch for years, the conversation starts out with 'Hey! How've you been? Do you remember me?' But I have no doubt you remember me, and I'm sorry that you have to._

_It's Steven, we had calculus, gym, lunch, and global together senior year. I was such an idiot back then! I'm paying for it now though, but I'll not get into that. My really purpose of writing this is to say I'm sorry. For everything. I regret it all! Everytime I laughed, everytime I called you a name, everytime I threw something at you, and everytime I just stood there and let things happen. Not doing anything in those situations is one of my biggest regrets..._

_No words that I could write could ever possibly make up for what I did, for what we did to you. I wish you'd never known me. You'd be better off. I know that you owe me nothing, but I hope you can find it within yourself to forgive me, to forgive us. I understand if you can't. I'm not sure if I deserve it._

_I sincerely hope that your life has gotten better than the Hell we put you through in high school._

_Again, I am sorry, so sorry._

_Steven Anders_

Morgan finished reading the letter and then re-read it. He was confused, why did Reid react like that? He looked across the walkway at him. He was just about finished with one report. Morgan waited for him to finish. Reid looked up at him as he closed the file. He saw the questions in Morgan's eyes but before he could say anything, Morgan asked his questions.

"Why does that bother you? How'd you know what it was going to be?" He wanted to ask more, but he figured that Reid would elaborate on the questions he'd already asked. Reid took a deep breath, steeling himself to respond.

"How'd I know what it was going to say? I get these 'so sorry' or 'forgive me?' letters about once every 2 months or so, I have for years now. I've recieved about 30 of them, most from different people. They always say the same thing, 'I'm sorry, we were stupid, please forgive me?' I hate it." He looked down at the finished report as Morgan and Emily both looked at him in surprise. That was completely unexpected. Spencer Reid... hating something? They both looked at him, conflicted, wondering if they wanted to hear more or if they'd rather remain ignorant. But Reid made the decision for them, he continued talking, this time addressing his desk.

"I mean, they didn't care before, why should they care now? It's been 15 years! They only appologize now to clear their own conciouses. They might mean their words now, but it just... it just doesn't _matter. _It makes no difference. They made everyday Hell for me and they... they _enjoyed_ it. Every single day." His voice had gotten very quiet but the pain of memories was still audible. "If they think that one letter each makes any difference, they're wrong. Actually, if anything, it makes things worse." The last sentence he was practically talking to himself, he didn't even realize he'd said it out loud until he noticed the looks his coworkers were still giving him. So he continued, "Most of the time, I can forget high school even happened. Well forget isn't the right word, but its not on my mind. But when I get one of _those_, I'm 12 and... I'm right back there. Every new name and letter brings up new memories that I had 'forgotten', and those memories bring up other memories... In all of these letters, never once have they ever made me 'feel better.' Never." He shook his head again, not trusting his voice to say anything else, he'd already said more than he'd wanted to. He opened a blank case file and started to fill it out.

Emily and Morgan were both stunned. This was a side of Reid that they had never seen before. They never knew him to be bitter or resentful but this was like a raw nerve they'd never fully seen before. They exchanged another glance, eyes full of sadness, anger, and surprise.

"So, how do they know where to send the letters?" Emily asked, not knowing what else to say.

"You'd be surprised how easy it is to find someone, especially if you're just looking for their work address." He mumbled in reply, pushing his hair behind his ear and not looking up from his desk. His voice had lost its edge. Now he just sounded deflated and sad.

Morgan was still in shock. He'd never seen Reid so bitter, and then so... hurt, in such a short period of time. In the past, when Reid had been upset or angry, he stayed that way for a while, not this fully 180. But Morgan felt he understood now. The people that had tormented his friend, his surrogate younger brother, still kept themselves in Reid's mind. He tried _so_ hard to forget them, and they just kept coming back. Morgan was surprised at the number of letters that he had gotten before, why hadn't they seen this reaction before? He wondered what else he didn't know about Reid.

Morgan admired Reid's strength. He dealt with them on his own before and was _still_ dealing with them now. He kept so much to himself, so much darkness and pain. Yet, he was still a light for others, non-discriminently. Morgan hoped that he would never change, that he'd still be able to see good despite the bad. He was about to say something in responce to this new information about Reid but then JJ walked out of her office and called to them.

"Bull pen everyone. We have a case. It's gonna be a bad one..."

The three stood up. Emily noted Reid's reactions. They were the same as always. He grabbed his bag and walked purposfully to the meeting room. However, when she looked closely at him, she could see that his eyes were a little glassy from unshed tears and memories that still haunted him.

Reid realized that he needed to snap out of his mood. 'Other people need me, us, right now. The past is over, no need to dwell on it...' He settled in for the breifing. Someone needed their help. They couldn't help themselves, they couldn't do it alone.

He was going to help as much as he could. He was going to be there for them. No one was going to struggle alone, like he had.

Not if he could help it.

_"What happened in the past that was painful has a great deal to do with what we are today."  
><em>**~William Glasser**


End file.
